According to Familyradio.org’s ancient so-called prophet, the apocalypse was supposed to begin on May 21, 2011, at 6 p.m. Heavenly ascensions were supposed to flow like a giant wave from time zone to time zone. So at 6 p.m. Rocky Mountain Time, fellow Vigilante correspondent Sam Lavin and I headed downtown to cover events as they unfolded.
Nothing cataclysmic happened.
That might have been the end of the story, but we got to thinking that maybe some of this stuff shouldn’t be taken quite so literally. Maybe, just maybe there is real value in good metaphors. In that spirit, we decided to probe the more personal, metaphorical side of rapture, and asked Helenans, “What is the most apocalyptic thing that happened to you today?”
Kristen Moyle (left) and Steph Morrison dressed up for the occasion
“We got these Jesus outfits for a total of $5.77…including the crown of thorns!” — Steph Morrison
“We also save corporations. We’re like Trump that way.” — Kristen Moyle (referring to the store at which they bought the Jesus costumes)
“I visited K-Mart.” — Laura (who wanted to remain anonymous because she was embarrassed)
“They closed a store too early.” — Jock Bovington
“I also had to wait for a table at On Broadway.” — Jock Bovington (later in the evening)
Jessie B. (left) and Jesse Moon celebrating life by living
“I bought a new pair of tight shoes.” — Michael O’Neil
“I ate Mexican chocolate.” — Jesse Moon
“I stepped on a nail.” — Jessie B. (minor)
“We just watched a really depressing, shitty movie. It’s called Blue Valentine.” — Ryan Patrick
“I’ve been thinking about the nation of Israel. I think Israel is surrounded by a lot of foes. I’m afraid the United States isn’t doing enough to support them. I don’t know why I’m thinking about that today, but if Israel was destroyed that would be the real beginning of the end.” — Jerome Nelson
“I had to go to work. And I have to go back tomorrow.” — Carrie C.