“I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat into America’s already bloated snack hole.” – Homer Simpson

Has everyone seen the ads for a taco made with a shell made of nacho cheese Doritos? I wish I could say that we have hit absolute-bed-rock-primordial-ooze bottom with the introduction of this gem, but I have a dark and terrible feeling we haven’t. We have reached a very telling point in American popular culture. Our actions will be viewed by people in the future and we will absolutely be judged by them. In ancient Rome (just before the collapse, FYI) people became so excessive that they would feast and vomit for a while so they could feast some more. Puke and Rally I believe is the modern term we have bestowed upon the behavior. (I think liquor and pills are included in the scientific definition and origins of the phrasing, but I am not going to get hung up on this technicality. Puke and Rally can include tacos.)

I’d like to see everyone avoid this boat show of sodium-caseinate-solidified-nacho-cheese-foodpowder madness. And here is why: it is a shameful display of some dillhole, trust-fund frat boy getting the munchies. I know that
avoiding processed food cannot save me from all the popped collars and board shorts of the world, but that doesn’t change the fact that someone is taking stupified morning-after-kegger fantasies and making them into a tangible reality that is now infiltrating my daily activities.

The advertising was enough to make me bury my face in my hands. The proprietor of this abomination would lead you to believe that by consuming this taco, you will not merely achieve a level of satiety, it will bring you to climax in ways you never even imagined.

I really feel I can cover a lot of human behaviors in relation to the nacho-cheese Doritos shell taco. I am not an anthropologist, but I can make observations about humans and their internal magnet for the cheap and easy.

Let’s do an old-school, Biblical breakdown of just how stupid this taco is.

• Pride—We have no shame in spending money on food like this. None. People who earn their money at a job that took them away from home and family and made them sacrifice for all the things they hold dear, and then spent it on this taco, should repent in horror and beg themselves for forgiveness.
• Greed—Lack of satisfaction with the crappy ass tacos already available. Corporate and consumer greed spawned yet another breed of crappy ass taco.
• Envy—If the x-factored-out advertising worked, and a person went and bought one, they have suffered from envy of those who have already eaten one for some reason.
• Wrath—This might seem convoluted, but I will go for it anyway. I have no idea the quality of ingredients being used to make these technically eatable tacos, but I can almost guarantee some wrath is being wrought upon American farmland to make them cheaper. I imagine there is also some kind of wrath wrought upon a healthy
  person’s intestinal track, but that is a personal issue.
• Lust—Wanting a taco made up not of things like tomatoes and beans, but to be made up of other types of stand-alone food. Total loss of self-control.
• Gluttony—I won’t insult you by making the connection between gluttony and nacho cheese Doritos shell taco for you.
• Sloth—Drive through. I would like to see a nacho-cheese Doritos taco shell stuffed with a McRib, soda-battered and deep fried, rolled in salt and whip cream, and served on a stick so I don’t wreck my stupid Tinkerbelle manicure when I eat it while driving to Wal-Mart to buy a Snuggy and a Shake Weight.

Where will this unadulterated madness end? Is this a diversion from the self-actualization we unconsciously and endlessly seek throughout our lives? The mixture of chemically synthesized dairy and some cattle-laced cardboard has killed our collective sense of practicality and pride of being savvy consumers. The answers you seek cannot be found in a six pack of tacos.