Are you aware of the life-altering item that has recently arrived in Helena?! Well?! Are you?! It is the Anywhere Lighting Battery Powered LED Mini Chandelier (ALBPLMC) and it has a built in timer so you can “set it and forget it!” Why has this been kept a secret from me!? Oh wait, because it’s stupid.

I don’t know how everyone else spends their time, but once I turn a damn light on, I don’t live in a constant state of anxiety worrying that I’ll forget to shut it off. My life is so busy, how will I ever find the time to shut off the light I just turned on!? Really? This is more of a wink-and-nod suggestion that if you get black-out drunk, the light will take care of itself.

They list for you all kinds of places you can use an ALBPLMC categorized by indoor and outdoor. I was just going to chuck it into a snow bank and see how much reading I could get done in its light, and here they tell me to hang it from a tree. Why the hell would I have a chandelier in my tree? Do the squirrels need some lighting for their pre-hibernation ball?

Another suggestion was umbrella. That might be one of the dumbest ideas ever. Hang a chandelier in an umbrella. I don’t even want to talk about it.

Kids room is a good suggestion. Especially if your kids room is decorated like an upper class dining room from 1914.

They suggest a garden also. I am a bit baffled by this. Do people who garden do so in the dark? Hey, its pitch black out, lets go pull some weeds!

Arbor is another suggestion. I am not sure what an arbor is. But it sounds like harbor, which made me think the ALBPLMC would look really good on a boat. Especially because the ALBPLMC comes in several colors, a whole string of red ones on your boat would look super classy. Nothing says “I have arrived” quite like a boat with mini plastic chandeliers all over it.

My other idea is to download an original cast recording of “Phantom of the Opera” to listen to at work and at the right moment throw an ALMPLMC into the wall of your cubicle as hard as you can. It would really capture the feel of the show without having to spend money on tickets.

I think a mini chandelier would look really nice in a tool shed, a chicken house, under the tarp you use to cover your lawn mower or in your trashcan. The raccoons would really appreciate it, I’m sure. I don’t know where else you would use it since most modern houses now have electricity built right into them and you just turn on a light switch when it gets dark.

I understand the days are short now, and that does bring people down, but I really don’t think an ALMPLMC is going to help with Seasonal Affective Disorder. It won’t bring that kind of light into your life. Especially when you waste 30 bucks plus batteries on it.