02 May 2013
Posted by Sam Lavin 
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but the other day, I saw a truck with skeletons trying to bust through the side of it. I wondered to myself, how did the skeletons get inside the body of that truck? What do they think they will do once they are out? Why drive a truck that would require you to be constantly...
Read more → 04 Apr 2013
Posted by Sam Lavin 
What I am about to say may shock you. The migrant workers have taken away all the jobs typically held by lawn gnomes. Lawn gnomes have now fallen on such hard times that they hold signs with common American pop culture texts and annoying beer slogans from the 90s for a living. I don’t know if you are aware,...
Read more → 07 Mar 2013
Posted by Sam Lavin 
Home fitness is a confusing idea. You have people who know nothing about fitness, trying to get in shape quickly, in front of a TV. Something isn’t quite adding up here. My mom did the Jane Fonda workout tapes when I was a kid. I never fully understood what was going on but Jane Fonda didn’t scare...
Read more → 07 Feb 2013
Posted by Sam Lavin 
In this world, there exists a child’s doll that ranks epically inappropriate on the scale of “Hussy-ness.” No, this isn’t me ragging on Barbie again. I’m sick of that bitch. This is a doll for kids even younger than Barbie’s target audience. In fact, the brand is “My First Baby.” I...
Read more → 24 Jan 2013
Posted by Sam Lavin 
Self-expression in the kitchen is not something new. People historically have always tried to outdo each other and themselves by making food unique and delicious. This line of products does neither. Area box stores are carrying a line of products that might pass for a waffle iron, but don’t...
Read more → 02 Jan 2013
Posted by Sam Lavin 
As much junk as there is in stores for weddings, I only recognize a purpose for a few things. A lot of weddings now are insanely boring formal get-togethers of the bride's and groom’s closest 350 friends, family members and coworkers who were only invited because it would be all awkward Monday morning...
Read more → 27 Dec 2012
Posted by Sam Lavin 
Not all that long ago in a land kinda far away, I went shopping after my shift at the bar I worked at. It was a few days after Christmas and so all things Christmas-y were on sale. I walked by a shelf and saw a decoration that made no sense to anyone ever. After staring at it for about 15 minutes, I picked...
Read more → 06 Dec 2012
Posted by Sam Lavin 
Over the last few years in America, women and girls of all ages have come down with a really nasty case of Twilarrhea (Twilight + diarrhea). I have not. I am immune to it. I haven’t seen the movies or read the books. And I won’t see or read them out of principle. I’ve heard that the vapid main...
Read more → 27 Nov 2012
Posted by Sam Lavin 
Are you aware of the life-altering item that has recently arrived in Helena?! Well?! Are you?! It is the Anywhere Lighting Battery Powered LED Mini Chandelier (ALBPLMC) and it has a built in timer so you can “set it and forget it!” Why has this been kept a secret from me!? Oh wait, because it’s...
Read more → 02 Nov 2012
Posted by Sam Lavin 
I am a reader. I read a lot. I read a lot of books. I have never myself purchased a bookmark but have had an infinite number of bookmarks given to me over the years by pretty much everyone who felt obliged to give me something. Do you know where all those bookmarks are? Because I don’t. The most likely...
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